A Definition of Heaven
by leakingpenholder
Summary: Dean was unsure when he had started praying, but by now he was doing it quite often. It wasn't to god. It wasn't to any unknowable higher power. He prayed to Castiel. And tonight Castiel came down to listen.


Dean was unsure when he had started praying, but by now he was doing it quite often. It wasn't to god. It wasn't to any unknowable higher power. He prayed to Castiel. Not for him to come down, but to let him know… To let Cas know how they were doing. Since phones weren't really an option on the way to heaven… Dean didn't know if Sam knew, but he thought that Sam probably suspected. He'd caught his not so little brother suppress a smile on more than one occasion when he opened his eyes.

Today had been a particularly bad day. The ghouls they had been hunting had had a taste for kids and they got to the town far too late. He had been unable to stop one of those monsters from ripping out a 5 year old girl's throat. Over 12 families had lost one or more kids to a set of 3 ghouls. A shiver ran down his spine as he thought about it. So he'd told Sam he'd needed a walk. Sam understood. Sam always understood. But he'd only walked down to the nearly empty parking lot and sat on the hood of the Chevy Impala.

With his face turned up to the sky and his eyes closed he felt a presence next to him before the first letter had even rolled off his tongue. He opened his eyes and looked besides him. Castiel looked tired. Infinitely tired, but he was here. Dean hadn't called him down to help, he hadn't called him to come at all, and yet he had appeared. It was like he had been listening. Waiting.

'Cas-,' he was stopped again.

'Hello, Dean.' Castiel smiled some half-assed smile that read like a book but showed Dean that Cas was here for Cas.

'Your day must have been a hell of a lot worse than mine,' Dean turned to look back up at the shards of clouds passing in front of the stars.

'Probably.' His reply caused Dean to let out a chuckle. They sat in silence for a bit before Castiel broke the silence: 'Aren't you going to tell me about the past few days?'

'You actually listen to that?' The thought of Castiel actually listening to his nightly storytell prayers made him slightly nervous, despite that having been somewhat of the intended purpose or at least the excuse he had told himself to justify it.

'When I can.'

'Yeah, you're probably very busy.' He let a silence fall between them again.

'So, are you?'

Dean shook his head with a smile: 'Sure, if that's what you want.' It was weird to tell this with Cas sitting right next to him, but with the absolutely minimal response that Cas gave, as per usual, it wasn't that hard to imagine it was like his usual prayers. Castiel didn't look at him and he didn't look at Cas. They just sat on the hood of the Chevy as he gave a messy and jumbled up summary of their hunt after the ghouls. When he was finished with his story Castiel didn't say a thing.

'So, do you want to tell me about what you've been up to?' Dean inquired after a few seconds.

'I can't.'

'You can't?'

'Yes, can't,' Cas turned to look at him. 'I really don't know how to put it into words.'

'It's fine, I understand.' He looked up at the sky. 'Honestly, I can't grasp anything that you're doing when you're not hanging around us, but I know that you can't be here as much as you want. So that's why I tried to tell you how we're doing. But it also helps to get it off my chest without Sam starting to fuss over it. I honestly hadn't a clue if you were listening.'

'I was listening.'

'Not what I meant.' Dean let out a sigh. 'I may not be able to hear you in your voice, in the language that you can speak it in. But if you want you can whisper or think at me if you need to let it out.'

'What would I be letting out?' Castiel looked genuinely confused and Dean just shook his head and muttered that it didn't matter. Castiel looked at Dean for a while, understanding he should say something, but not really sure how to explain it.

'I like hearing you tell about what's going on with you and Sam. It's… peaceful.'

'Have you heard any of the things that I've been telling you?'

'Yes, all of them.'

'How is any of that peaceful. We almost died-.'

'But you were telling it, so I knew you were okay.' Dean didn't have an answer for that. Instead he just looked at Castiel who was now looking at the ground clearly looking for words.

'I don't feel the way that you do, Dean. I'm different from the other angels in the sense that I'm more feeling than them, but I'm not human. But hanging around you two has taught me more than I would ever have learned up there. I can doubt things, I worry about things, I become curious, and I've learned to have fun, even though that was not in my nature. But because of that I don't really know how to deal with it. So, hearing your voice, letting me know that you and Sam are okay… It is a good thing.'

'And none of the other angels…' Dean trailed off.

'Perhaps, in some capacity. I've never asked.' Dean contemplated this for a few seconds.

'So what do you feel?'

'Love.' Castiel replied in his normal matter of fact voice, taking Dean aback. 'Or the absence of it.'

'Just that?'

'Heaven is absolute, Dean. If we had all your feelings then eternity could become torture for us. The apocalypse brought some change in some of us, but for most it's still true.'

'So, if you love something you protect it or something, and if you don't love something..?'

'Usually there is no need to do anything with it, unless they threaten something loved. Then I kill it, capture it. Anything necessary. '

'Wow, heaven is absolute. So, what do you love?'

'My father, Jimmy Novak, humanity, bees, my brothers, you and Sam.'

'Whoa, slow down there or you might have to put a ring on it.'

Castiel didn't laugh but turned towards Dean: 'That was a joke, correct?'

'Yeah,' Dean's grin slipped from his face. 'Definitely a joke.'

'Did I do something wrong?'

'No, Cas, it's nothing. I'm- I'm happy Sam and I are important to you.' He gave Castiel a tight smile. 'Honestly, I wouldn't know what to do without the two of you.'

'Good then that you don't have to.'

'Yeah, but how long is that going to last?'

'What do you mean?' Castiel looked confused.

'Well, I've gotta die sometimes. I mean, if it's not the hunting then eventually old age is going to get me or Sam and then what. I mean, I've been to heaven, I've been to hell, I've been to fucking purgatory. I don't know what else is waiting out there, but I'm pretty damn sure I haven't seen all of it and I can't keep coming back from the dead. So then what? I mean, we sure as hell aren't all soulmates who end up together in their private patch in heaven.'

'I don't know.' Castiel replied honestly. 'Maybe…' He then trailed off, not looking at Dean and wringing his hands in a manner that was very unlike Castiel. He didn't pick up the sentence and Dean didn't really know how to ask about it.

'You know, we can visit your heavens.' Castiel spoke after a moment of silence. 'We all have our favourites, but I think that when you are up there I'd be more than happy to come and join you.'

'When I get up there? You seem to think quite highly of my soul.'

'What do you mean by that?'

'Honestly, I don't see any reason that I'll be going to heaven this time. I may not presently have sold my soul to any obliging demon, but I doubt your buddies would be very happy to see me in heaven.'

'That may be true.' Dean laughed at Castiel's deadpan answer. 'Then it would be wise for me to watch over your heaven on a regular basis.' With that Dean immediately fell silent again. Something about the comment didn't sit entirely right. Usually it was right to assume that Cas was about as literal as a dictionary and everything he ever said could be taken at face value, unless he was lying, which was usually pretty obvious. Right now, however, it felt as if the words held some other meaning. Suddenly more conscious of Castiel's presence besides him Dean crossed his arms over his chest.

'Are you sure you'd want to? I mean, it's hardly going to be a bee farm, knowing me.'

'Very true, I shall have to visit the bees some other time. But whatever your heaven is, I'm sure it's wonderful.' Castiel was silent for a second as Dean attempted the impossible task of reading Castiel's face without any success. 'And you will be there, that is all I could ask for.' Suddenly the blue eyes turned to meet his and Dean averted his eyes slightly flustered and at a loss for words. There was really no proper way to answer and so they sat in silence, watching the shards of clouds pass in front of the few stars that were visible despite the light pollution.

Minutes passed as they sat relaxed and in comfortable silence before Cas spoke up again: 'What does your heaven look like?' Dean leant back on the hood of the car, his shoulder lightly brushing Castiel's in the motion. When Cas followed his example their shoulders rested lightly touching, their hands only half a centimeter away from each other. Dean could feel Castiel's presence coursing through him feeling almost like the angel's healing mojo at work. It relaxed his muscles, eased his mind and drowned out all worries. Right now felt like the safest most beautiful place in the world.

'Probably something like this.' Dean didn't even need to look to feel the smile slide onto Castiel's features. He could envision the way that the pair of blue eyes changed at what Dean had just told the angel. There was no need for words, but he received them anyway.

'Mine too.' 


End file.
